finding our feet

Today my sweet baby girl found her tootsies. What an ordeal. After staring at them for weeks, she finally realized that they did in fact belong to her and reached out and grabbed on for dear life. Her very own toes. WOW! Once she realized that she had those little piggies all to herself, she did not want to let them go. We played with those toes all afternoon! Imagine that. These sweet little moments make me realize how quickly she is growing up. I am 50% 30% sad that she will never be that squishy little newborn again and 50% 70% excited to watch her grow into who she will be. This is what I'm totally loving about parenthood- there is always something to look forward to. I am greatly anticipating that first semblance of mobility and watching her crawl around reeking havoc on our (probably under-baby-proofed) house (yes everyone, yes! I know that having a mobile baby is crazy! I hear the "ohhh just wait" comments all. the. time. and guess what? I am just waiting!). I can't wait to see that first little tooth pop through, for her reaction to new food, for her first step, for her first word, for the first outfit she puts together all by herself, for the first Christmas that she falls asleep (probably in midnight mass the way I always did) awaiting Santa's arrival... see?! You hear about the countless sleepless nights, the constant crying, the restrictions babies put on your social life, the cost of diapers and the spit-up coupled with dirty diaper changes rather than the butterflies you get when that tiny human looks right into your eyes and smiles the biggest smile she can muster or the endless list of moments that you get to cherish as a parent. We have a few pregnant friends that I am ecstatic for. There is nothing like becoming a parent... they get to look forward to bringing that new little person home for the first time and later tearing up as you put away the newborn clothes, and being a wife to a daddy (my personal favorite part). Uh-mazing.

This little moment today, these simple pleasures of a baby (feet... feet entertained her for literally hours!) bring me back to reality. By reality I mean the raw, mundane continuity that is every day life.  I tend to always feel like I should be doing something. Working, planning, budgeting, exercising, cleaning, doing laundry, the list goes on and on... I don't often take time to not do and to just be. I could never just sit and play with my feet (if you will) for hours on end. Watching my 4 month old's daily pleasures such as sitting with her mommy and reading a book, taking a bath, or pulling on the dog's hair and being surprised and delighted by a slobbery lick to the cheek makes me want to just stop and smell the roses play with my feet. When I was at Belmont Abbey, it was easy to be walking back to the library or the dorm after an 8am class in the quiet parts of campus and stick my nose to the sky, breathing in the simplicity of my life. Now, I have to work for those moments, which I think is more of a blessing than I realize. I appreciate them more. My life still is simple; it is still boring at times, busy at times, sad at times, delightful at times, challenging, exhausting and vastly different than it was 2 short years ago, but it is still beautiful in a way that God designed only for me. I need to learn to absorb and appreciate these times rather than expect them. I am grateful for God's gift of Clara's natural innocence that brings me back to the basics and helps me to find sweetness in the ordinary. It doesn't take breathtaking scenery, an exhilarating experience, or expensive something-or-other to be able to bask in the beauty that surrounds us.  For me, all it took was watching a baby girl reach out and grab her toes for the very first time.

“Wherever you go, there you are.” 

Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

Dear Clara Mae

Meet Clara Mae, the light of my life, born April 3, 2012 at 2:13pm, weighing in at 5lb 6oz and measuring 18.5" long (currently sleeping across my lap making adorable faces).

 

For months now, in between learning how to balance the weight of being a wife and a mother, and a job that I love while fumbling my way through sleepless nights and learning to exist solely to keep this tiny human alive, I have been concocting a list of things I'd like to tell her over the span of my time with her. She is a beautiful, clever, expressive little girl and I already know she'll be able to hold her own out in the world one day. Don't ask how I know such a thing- I'm a mom now. I claim my right to have these sorts of instincts.  I suppose I'd like to share with her things that I've learned over my sweet 24 years of life. I am inspired and tickled by Tina Fey's prayer for her daughter (look to the left of the blog, you'll find it there, but do yourself a favor and Google it). So, here, in no particular order, is my ever-evolving list of things that I'll need to tell her one day.  Where is a better place to store these thoughts than in cyber space?! (do people still call the internet cyber space... nevermind. don't answer that.)

1. Never allow anything to become more important to you than your relationship with God. It is the only thing that will be a constant in your life, as well as your most abundant source of strength, wisdom, grace, and love.  

2. You were made to know, love, and serve the Lord and to become a saint. Pursue this life, not because it's what you're SUPPOSED to do but because you were created for it and will be the most fulfilled in this pursuit. If you did not possess the ability to become a saint, God would not call you to sainthood. 

3. Don't listen to people when they tell you "God will not give you more than you can handle." God DOES give you more than you can handle so that you learn to give it back to Him. 

4. Do not listen to rap music, please, for the sake of your mother.

5. Don't waste your time planning your life, live it. Make smart, informed choices but seek to follow God's will and take everything one day at a time. 

6. As a very wise woman once said, let God mess with you. Don't ever be afraid to say 'yes' to what God calls you to.

7. Stand your ground. Say what you think. Be kind, but don't hold back. Dr. Suess says, "be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." 

8. Never be ashamed of who you are.

9. It's ok to make mistakes. Be big enough to admit them and learn from them. It will be of no use to anyone to make excuses- own up, face it, and move along.

10. I hope you know what a wonderful man you have for a father.  He's goofy and fun and ridiculous and you will learn a great deal about sucking the most joy out of life possible from him. When he is curt with and makes a laughable attempt to intimidate your boyfriend when you're 30 a (late) teenager, remember that he spent 9 months taking care of you before ever laying eyes on you...and after you were born, started figuring out ways to keep you all to himself for as long as he lives. In other words, the love he has for you is something you will never be able to comprehend.

11. If you hate me don't want anything to do with me one day for any stint of time in the midst of teenage angst and embarrassment over anything that isn't showcasing all of your cool-ness, I promise to still be here when you come back around (and I won't take it personally)... but don't blame me for daydreaming about these days that I'm living now where you would stop crying when I came around and give me a big smile every time you saw me. I'm holding on tight to those memories, kiddo. You'll never know the love that I have for you, either.

Sorry, Mom, for doing this to you. You win in the "more" debate. It's now recorded for the whole world to see. Love you! :)

12. Be kind to other people and meet them where they're at. The world is full of diversity and not everyone will think the way that you do- be ready to love them in those moments while standing firm in what you believe.

13. Forgive your father for giving you the nickname "Clambake."  And me for playing along. 
We'll see if that one sticks. 

14. Don't get mad at Ellie when she eats some of your toys. :\

15. Enjoy the little things. Life doesn't have to be extravagant to be wonderful. Soak up the moments that you feel happiest in. 

16. Your heart will probably be broken more than one time for various reasons. (In this event, remember #1 on this list). It's okay to be sad and okay to cry, but when you're done, pick yourself up and surround yourself with love. Your dad and I are a great place to start. 

17. Try not to be too embarrassed by your father and me. We promise that we'll try our best to not be "those" parents, but we also promise to keep your moments from being too dull. :)

18. Boys can be mean. It is not always the case that when a boy is mean to you, he is flirting. If he is trying to flirt, take caution. Your dad was never mean to me.

19. Be a lady. Be confident, but not conceited.

20. Know what you deserve and how you should be treated. Treat others this way, also. You are not better than anyone, only different with different strengths and weaknesses.  You'll never meet someone that you cannot learn something from.

21. Pray, always. God doesn't get sick of hearing from you. In fact, He looks forward to it.

Until the next list... <3

Waking with the rooster

Here I sit at 6:53 on a quiet Saturday morning, glancing out the window at the pending sunrise that's sneaking through my back door. These moments of sheer silence and restfulness will be few and far between in just a matter of weeks, and for this, I could not be more excited. 

I woke up around 4:15 this morning with the usual third trimester insomnia and decided that instead of staying in bed and hoping to fall back asleep, that I would just get up and wait for John to wake up in a few hours (something he is used to doing for me on these same Saturday mornings). I wrapped a blanket around my body, put on a hat and took Ellie outside for a little wee early morning playtime. While she flayed herself about the yard and took a leisurely roll in the cold grass, I was tickled to hear an unfamiliar sound- a rooster cock-a-doodle-dooing right around the corner! Now listen, I'm a southern girl, yes- but I was not raised on a farm and have secretly always wanted to wake up to the sound of a rooster.  Laugh at me all you want, I can cross something off of my bucket list.  I now recall John mentioning a few weeks ago that we did have a rooster nearby but not close enough for us to hear from our bedroom. I can't wait to tell him about my morning and how the sound spooked our funny brown dog so much so that she was digging at bushes in attempt to rid herself of the sound of said rooster.  After a few throws of the tennis ball and the decision that my toes had gotten too cold, Ellie and I made our way inside where she drank a bowl of water and walked down the hall to the bedroom to get back into her warm bed next to her favorite companion. 

So, alone I am once again. :) I am getting quite used to spending time by myself- strict bed rest after preterm labor scares has managed to glue me to either the couch or my bed with only 10 minute intervals of time allowed on my feet. Usually, I would complain about this as I don't watch very much TV and get extremely bored and have read books to my heart's content, but these days, the contractions are so painful and every step I take jeopardizes the health of my baby girl that I will do whatever it takes to keep her in there for just a few more weeks, safe and sound before the madness of this world wraps itself around her all too quickly.

This morning I am stuck in the thick of mixed feelings regarding the passage of time.  A dear friend of mine came to visit me yesterday and we chatted about our days at Belmont Abbey and how different our lives were just two short years ago and I've been reveling in silly memories ever since.  This is until I woke up this morning and realized again that today is my very best friend's little boy's first birthday.  I feel [old] so overwhelmed by how quickly this year went by!  I can remember this day a year ago when Jason called to tell me that Kallah was having this long-awaited baby boy and crying on my way home from work knowing that I would meet that little man in a matter of hours. Besides my wedding day and the moment I found out that I was pregnant against all odds, this was one of the most exhilarating, special moments of my adult life. My best friend, whom I have gone through thick and thin with and have grown to love as my own sister, was having a baby. I don't know if I've ever felt so much joy on another's behalf as I did for Jason and Kallah that day. That special day, a whole year ago now! (See my post below about my feelings towards 2011- it was an excellent, excellent year.) Time passes in the blink of an eye. Yesterday I was in my in-laws' kitchen announcing the impending arrival of our little addition and today I am embarking upon my 33rd week of pregnancy. We are settled into our house, New Year's came and went, our 1 year anniversary slipped right through my fingers, my mother now has a new husband and there is a crib sitting in our third bedroom. Phew! See what I mean? It flies! I am in love with my life right now- I couldn't be happier in my job, in our house, with my wonderful husband who lets me know each day how much he loves me, and that our little girl's arrival is right around the corner. What I am nervous about is waking up one day and realizing it's MY little girl's first birthday- or, better yet, FIFTH birthday! Time has sped up since I got married, what makes me think that it won't take off even faster after this little person joins our family? A recurring theme for me in these posts seems to be soaking up every little moment of our time here- and I hope that God will give me the grace to do so as diligently as I would like. Life is too short and goes by far too quickly to let the little things, like a hungry, hungry caterpillar first birthday party or reveling in the simplicity of waking up to the sound of a rooster, go unnoticed.
So here's to Will, and here's to the rooster. Happy Saturday, dear friends. I hope you enjoy each moment, no matter what you're doing. :)