Necessary... what a word.

Well, here I am on a delightfully rainy Thursday posting my first ever blog post. Just to clarify- do I really think that anyone gives a hoot what I have to say? No. No, I am not that kind of blogger really believes people will run to open their computer frantically each morning to see what sort of unprecedented knowledge I will deliver next. Truth is, I have limited knowledge, limited life experience, and very limited care as to how many people are followers of this experiment. I wanted to do this for me, sort of as a journal I'm keeping while starting out in my new life and new roles.  "Grown up" life, if you will, is still very fresh for me. There are days I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or how I got here- married, expecting, working the dream job that I have hoped to work for years but never thought was possible, and as of next week, a home owner. So is this blog necessary? No. But here I am anyway, sharing what life and the world looks like behind my eyes.


What is necessary, then? I included on my little gadgets (or whatever they are called) a quote that has always resounded in me for many reasons that I cannot adequately express. Our Holy Father tells us that "We are not some casual and meaningless product of evolution. Each of us is the result of a thought of God. Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary." Every time I read that, the word necessary stuns me...stops me dead in my tracks.  This week has been a taxing one, to say the least. I received news that one can never prepare for, no matter how stable, how positive, and how confident in the grace of God they may be. A dear friend of mine that I have cherished memories with, who made the beautiful candles that sat on the tables at our wedding, who has a beautiful little girl of almost 2 years, chose to end her life on Saturday. I have not had the guts, desire, or the strength to discuss this much with anyone except for my best friend who has simply prayed with me over the phone. I can barely share with my husband who has given me countless long-lasting, sincere hugs and held my hand and  prayed me through moments where I find myself struggling and confused.  I find myself snapping at anyone who asks "why?" or "how?" or tries desperately to look deeper into the soul of this troubled young mother as if it was any of their business.  I had spoken with her just last week and made plans to get together with her this week. I hadn't seen her in a few months; we had exchanged some Facebook posts, text messages, and a few phone calls and I never would have guessed that anything was wrong. When I received this news, I felt like I had been punched right in the gut. The wind was knocked out of me and I was overcome with denial and guilt. What could I have done differently? What if I had made plans with her sooner? Could I have changed something?  The answer will remain unknown- but I know that these questions only serve to make matters worse. I keep going back to the worlds of Pope Benedict.. we are willed, loved, and necessary. There it is again, the feeling of complete confusion.  Why are we necessary? Why is each life necessary?  Why do we matter? As I am faced with the horror of the loss of my precious friend, I am flooded with answers to these questions. We are all necessary to one another. I need the people that surround my life in daily, mundane activities AND those who are inconsistent but positive forces in my life. They are all necessary to my survival because they all, in some large or small way, reveal the personhood of God to me.  They are channels of God's love and grace and matter in a huge way to me. My friend lost sight of her necessity- her necessity to her daughter, to her loving parents and sister, and to her friends who loved her so dearly. She was such a special person, the kind that brings sunshine to a dark room and always had a smile on her face. How can this world tear us apart in this way- when we have such a strong, good God who is waiting for us to hand Him our burdens, how does the world win? Unfortunately, I do not have the answer to that question, and my heart has never hurt in the way it has these past few days.  My heart breaks at the thought of that baby girl never knowing how wonderful her mother was, my friend never knowing my own child, her family grieving in total confusion and helplessness and the utter regret and guilt they must be struggling with, and the thought of her being all alone in such despair.  I cannot describe this hurt nor convey in any way the power it has had over me these past few days.  My best friend told me that I cannot let myself worry that Satan triumphed here- that her intentional death was a victory for that side. She is absolutely right. Satan may have let the world tear her down and spiral her into such despair that she was deaf to the beckoning of God, but that will never mean that she wasn't calling His name in those last moments. God never leaves us alone. "I will not fear, because you are with me."


Today, the day of her visitation, my eyes are opened to the utter gravity of this life. We are physically drawn downward by this world, but in a much more powerful way and by a much more powerful source, we are drawn up towards Heaven.  Never again will I look at this world and the people that I love in the same way. Life is too short, too precious to let the world get the best of you.  I wish I could have told my friend this, hugged her, and told her how necessary she was to this world and how loved she was on this Earth. Today I will let myself be drawn upwards by the gravity of the grace of God and know that I, (and all of you reading) am willed, loved, and totally necessary to the rotation of the Earth. I will no longer be hindered by the unimportant temporary troubles of this world, but embrace the love that draws me towards Heaven.  I guess that's what it's all about- not letting a moment slip by without letting those we love know how important they are to us...and ultimately, not letting a moment slip by.